Mister Gerald Augustinus of THE CAFETERIA IS CLOSED took this photo of a Lego crucifix in what he identifies as a Catholic Church in Austria. In fact, had Mister Augustinus been paying closer attention he would have found that such is not the case. True, the Church exterior does resemble a Catholic church in the Gothic tradition but, a more than superficial glance at its friezes and facades would have given Gerald pause, and perhaps clued him into the true owners of the site. Had he been more observant, he would have noticed that in place of the mythical, hideous, gargoyles that generally decorate the outside of European Catholic churches this building’s facade was decorated with wrecked AMC Gremlins; a sure sign that he was standing before a Hoffamite church.
The Hoffamite sect–more popularly and contemptuously known as “Holy Roaders”–was founded circa 1975 by elements of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters who were incensed at rumors that Jimmy Hoffa’s alleged death was part of an unholy alliance between traffic cops, smokeys, county mounties, and highway superintendents.
According to Hoffamite tradition on the afternoon of July 30, 1975, Mister Hoffa was crossing a railroad overpass which separated Bloomfield Hills from metropolitan Detroit when he was set upon by his enemies, including former friend and confidant J.D.S. Iscariot. This day is commemorated annually in the Hoffamite Legoturgical calender and is known as the Feast of Overpass, the most solemn day in the Hoffamite year.
The Hofamite legoturgy in some ways mirrors that of the Catholic liturgy, but there are differences. One such difference is that whereas Catholics celebrate “The Eucharist” believing they receive the body and blood of the risen Lord under the species of bread and wine, Hoffamites celebrate “The Rest Stop” by receiving a miniature cheeseburger and a sip of Java mixed with amphetamines. Reasons for this tradition vary. One version claims the celebration is typical trucker’s road fare and is taken to commemorate Hoffa’s humble beginnings as a trucker. Others claim that it commemorates the death of Hoffa who, it is alleged, was given spiked coffee, transported to a meat packing plant in Chicago and disposed of.
